Thursday, October 8, 2015

Pregnancy Loss: My Story

This is the post I never thought I would be sharing.  Today is expected due date of the baby I will never know, 10/8/15.  Of course the irony that it falls during Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month is not lost on me. 

Earlier this year my husband and I decided to try for baby #3.  I was shocked and excited when that first month I got a positive pregnancy test.  I told my girls right away and we planned our announcement for daddy; pink and blue balloons that announced we would be a family of 5. 
Imagine our surprise a few weeks later when bleeding lead to a blank ultrasound, low HCG levels and eventually a miscarriage.  My first thought was disbelief, how could this happen when I had already carried two babies full term?  Over the next weeks and months I had many, many thoughts but here are some things that have stayed with me:

1. I am grateful

I know this sounds crazy but in the weeks following my miscarriage I was actually grateful.  I was grateful that my body is so amazing that it could identify that an embryo wasn't viable.  I was grateful that my body identified it early instead of waiting weeks or months more.  I rarely share that I felt this way with people but I am always surprised to find out that a lot of other people that experience miscarriages feel the same way.

2. Its ok to be private about it

I am a very private person.  Before this blog post, less than a dozen people in my real life even know I had a miscarriage.  For me healing would have been stalled by talking about it too much.  I am one of those people that the more I talk about it the more I obsess and unfortunately that would not help me in this situation.  I know there is a big push to be open about miscarriage to help others, and while I think that this works well for some people, there is no shame in healing privately either. 

3. Everyone feels different

I have seen friends go through miscarriages so I think one of the biggest surprises was that I felt different and handled it differently than any one else I know.  Sometimes I felt guilty for not feeling "bad enough" (see #1) or for trying again so soon but I learned that we all grieve differently and there is no wrong way to feel.

4. God's Plan is Greater

Ten weeks after my miscarriage I found out that I was pregnant again and I am now 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby.  To date I have experienced all of the major "types" of pregnancy you can have: pregnancy after infertility, surprise pregnancy, miscarriage and actually getting pregnant on the first try (I know I am missing a few like adoption and surrogacy, but I would say these are the main 4). What I have learned from these 4 pregnancies is that God's plan is a perfect plan.  My first daughter required the use of a fertility daughter and after she was born I remember looking at her face and thinking that she was worth it all.  Without my loss I would never have the baby growing right now that I know will bring so much joy to our lives. 

Everyone has a different story, I know that mine is nothing like my neighbors but I hope that by reading my story you see some similarities and it bring you comfort and peace.
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